How to Decide the Leader in a Christian Marriage

Do you ever wonder who the leader needs to be in a Christian marriage? I’m delighted to have Tiffany Montgomery join us today and share some solid biblical truths with us! Don’t forget to check out her marriage course at the end! 

The noise level in the house -as I walked in from running an errand – was like defcon 1.  War was raging in the kids’ room. My husband was upset – yelling empty threats at the wall.

I jumped right in -asking for details, criticizing his lofty expectations of our little blessings.  Things escalated quickly and my mouth added fuel to the war.

Control is a very real need in my soul – you could even call me a control freak with pride issues.

Who is the leader in a Christian marriage? Join us for this post packed with real-life examples and solid biblical truths to practically apply God's design for your marriage. #thrive #marriage #relationships #husband #wife #leader #spiritualgrowth #fixmarriage

Of course I begin to tell my husband how he should deal with the kids. When he didn’t do it my way, I proceeded to walk into the next room and lay down the law, tearing them and their daddy down in the process.

At this point, our little blessings kids were devastated.

My husband felt like a failure.

Every relationship in the house was suffering.

This situation was not uncommon in our home in the past until our Bible Study group worked through a study on Marriage:

The Roles of Husband and Wife from a Biblical Worldview

The lesson that stood out to me the most (From the Book Marriage on the Rock) was Jezebel.  There is an account in 1 Kings 21 that perfectly demonstrate the way roles were reversed in that home and the chaos that ensued.

I would not say I am evil like Jezebel but, I have similar characteristics when it comes to taking the role of leader in marriage from my husband and acting out of emotion.

In 1 Corinthians 11:3 (NASB) we see God clearly define the roles of Husband and Wife in a Christian Marriage.

But I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman, and God is the head of Christ.

Now before you jump ship on me, let me lend some perspective to this often misunderstood passage.

1 corinthians 11:3We have to start higher than Husband and Wife to fully understand God’s heart.

I love how this passage sort of sandwiches us between Christ and God.  This passage says Christ should be the leader of the husband, the husband should then lead his wife, and Christ, it clarifies, is led by God.

As we are held firmly between Christ and God, we are reminded that this life (and this Marriage) is not about us – it is about Gods Kingdom.  Having said that, we have to admit that the Bible clearly says the husband is supposed to be in charge -leading us in a godly way.

I knew with my head that my husband should be the leader in our home, I was still wrestling with trusting my husband and submitting to him.  Can you relate?  I honestly believed he would make foolish choices that would hurt us or affect our kids badly. I wanted to change my husband.

That control freak inside of me had a hard time letting go of the wheel to let my husband become the leader.  I would compare the tension in this area to walking a tight rope.  It has to be balanced delicately, but the tension brought real lasting change when we embraced it fully.

We are several years into practicing this marriage principles, but I can still vividly remember the first few months of trying to walk that tight rope about leadership.

I stepped back from small areas of leadership – like how often to change the oil, cut the grass and how to load the dishwasher (I mentioned I have a control problem right?).

We have to start higher than Husband and Wife to fully understand God's heart. Click to Tweet

2 Rules as My Husband Became the Leader in Our Marriage

  1.  I shut my mouth about those areas.
    • Can you imagine a control freak with a mouth that can rip her man to shreds when me messes up?  That was me.  Can you relate?
    • I did not criticize him when he did it differently than I would like.
    • No nagging came when he forgot things.
    • I offered no opinion about it or correction when he messed up.
    • Also, I didn’t talk about it to anyone else – until there was something good to say 😉
  1. I let things get messed up.
    • He messed up some things.
      • Can I be real with you?
      • We had fleas from too tall grass.
      • The cars began to have trouble.
      • Dishes were not fully clean.
    • I didn’t come behind him and redo things.
    • Not once did I break Rule #1 about my mouth.
    • He saw with his own eyes what the problems were and dealt with them… And he learned.

I am in no way saying I was the only problem with our out of balance Marriage – he had a part.  But my mouth certainly caused its share of the problem.  My need to control everything really caused him to shrink back from ever wanting to get it wrong.  Our home was not a safe place for him to learn and grow as a man – as the rightful Leader of our Household.

Can I be honest with you?  I was only willing to step back because I began to see that God was the real leader of our Home.  God was leading my Husband and me.  I had to surrender to God’s headship in my life and do it His way which lead to true Hope and Joy in my life!

Are you longing for Hope and Joy in your Marriage?

God took me through a journey of re-learning how to live as a wife with a Biblical Worldview.  It is a joy for me to teach and mentor locally and I am thrilled to launch this Online Course.


In this 9 week Course we will dig into the Bible and find out how to restore our Marriage – rebuilding it to Last a lifetime!

This Marriage Course will include:

  • 10 Self-paced video lessons
    • Love
    • Forgiveness
    • Desires Vs. Preferences
    • My Mouth
    • Appreciation & Admiration
    • The Leader
    • Understanding Men
    • Respect
    • My Priorities
  • 9 weeks of personal study
    • 5 days each week that should take 10-15 minutes
  • 45 Days of Prayer prompts

Tiffany and Bud

I would love to giveaway a Seat in the Course.  Enter to Win below!

In Him,


Tiffany is a Jesus Girl with a passion to Encourage and Equip Wives and Moms through Biblical Discipleship.  Connect with her on Facebook at and Pinterest at

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Who is the leader in your marriage?

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  1. Thanks for sharing this Tiffany and Kelly! It reminds me of (vital!) lessons I learned in a Bible Study on submission in marriage. One of the funniest moments was when an (unmarried) participant raised her hand and asked in exasperation- “what about when your husband is WRONG?!” Thanks for the humility and truth shared here today. The course looks wonderful!

    1. kellyrbaker says:

      I know I’ve wondered the same thing even as a married woman! lol The course is amazing!

  2. Amazing and real honest gut wisdom and insight, Kelly. It’s so hard to shut our mouths and let things get messed up…so, so hard for us Type A personalities and a list of other issues. 🙂 Thank you for this!

    1. And thanks to Tiffany for your heart and vulnerability. While this post can be hard to swallow, it’s soul-refreshing as well pointing to true end results. I could use some of that fruit in my marriage. 🙂

      1. kellyrbaker says:

        Yes, agreed, Karen! We could all use some of that fruit in our marriages! 🙂

    1. kellyrbaker says:

      Thanks for joining us here, Meghan!

  3. Rebecca Jones says:

    Okay, I know women want to be in control and men just assume they are always right in many cases. My post today is called the Blessing of the Beloved, I don’t think women have a problem with obeying Jesus, when thy know His intimate love. Men need to know they are beloved to and submit to Christ.

    1. kellyrbaker says:

      Getting a clear picture of the way God loves us affects our other relationships. Thank you for your comment, Becky!

  4. I struggle with this a lot because I am married to an unbeliever.

    1. kellyrbaker says:

      I’m sorry to hear that, Rebecca. Praying for your marriage right now!

  5. Thank you for sharing your story. I appreciate your honesty and I think most of us can relate. It is such a challenge to be quiet when we have our own opinions on how things should be done. I learned much from your post that I look forward to using in my home☺️👌

    1. kellyrbaker says:

      So glad you were helped by Tiffany’s post, Gretchen! Praying God blesses your marriage. 🙂

  6. My husband I will be married 30 years this summer. Communication could be improved in our relationship.

    1. kellyrbaker says:

      Congrats on almost 30 years, Julie!

  7. Marriage Struggle: trying to reconnect as facing Empty Nest Syndrome.

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