How to Decide the Leader in a Christian Marriage

Do you ever wonder who the leader needs to be in a Christian marriage? I’m delighted to have Tiffany Montgomery join us today and share some solid biblical truths with us! Don’t forget to check out her marriage course at the end! 

The noise level in the house -as I walked in from running an errand – was like defcon 1.  War was raging in the kids’ room. My husband was upset – yelling empty threats at the wall.

I jumped right in -asking for details, criticizing his lofty expectations of our little blessings.  Things escalated quickly and my mouth added fuel to the war.

Control is a very real need in my soul – you could even call me a control freak with pride issues.

Who is the leader in a Christian marriage? Join us for this post packed with real-life examples and solid biblical truths to practically apply God's design for your marriage. #thrive #marriage #relationships #husband #wife #leader #spiritualgrowth #fixmarriage

Of course I begin to tell my husband how he should deal with the kids. When he didn’t do it my way, I proceeded to walk into the next room and lay down the law, tearing them and their daddy down in the process.

At this point, our little blessings kids were devastated.

My husband felt like a failure.

Every relationship in the house was suffering.

This situation was not uncommon in our home in the past until our Bible Study group worked through a study on Marriage:

The Roles of Husband and Wife from a Biblical Worldview

The lesson that stood out to me the most (From the Book Marriage on the Rock) was Jezebel.  There is an account in 1 Kings 21 that perfectly demonstrate the way roles were reversed in that home and the chaos that ensued.

I would not say I am evil like Jezebel but, I have similar characteristics when it comes to taking the role of leader in marriage from my husband and acting out of emotion.

In 1 Corinthians 11:3 (NASB) we see God clearly define the roles of Husband and Wife in a Christian Marriage.

But I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman, and God is the head of Christ.

Now before you jump ship on me, let me lend some perspective to this often misunderstood passage.

1 corinthians 11:3We have to start higher than Husband and Wife to fully understand God’s heart.

I love how this passage sort of sandwiches us between Christ and God.  This passage says Christ should be the leader of the husband, the husband should then lead his wife, and Christ, it clarifies, is led by God.

As we are held firmly between Christ and God, we are reminded that this life (and this Marriage) is not about us – it is about Gods Kingdom.  Having said that, we have to admit that the Bible clearly says the husband is supposed to be in charge -leading us in a godly way.

I knew with my head that my husband should be the leader in our home, I was still wrestling with trusting my husband and submitting to him.  Can you relate?  I honestly believed he would make foolish choices that would hurt us or affect our kids badly. I wanted to change my husband.

That control freak inside of me had a hard time letting go of the wheel to let my husband become the leader.  I would compare the tension in this area to walking a tight rope.  It has to be balanced delicately, but the tension brought real lasting change when we embraced it fully.

We are several years into practicing this marriage principles, but I can still vividly remember the first few months of trying to walk that tight rope about leadership.

I stepped back from small areas of leadership – like how often to change the oil, cut the grass and how to load the dishwasher (I mentioned I have a control problem right?).

We have to start higher than Husband and Wife to fully understand God's heart. Click to Tweet

2 Rules as My Husband Became the Leader in Our Marriage

  1.  I shut my mouth about those areas.
    • Can you imagine a control freak with a mouth that can rip her man to shreds when me messes up?  That was me.  Can you relate?
    • I did not criticize him when he did it differently than I would like.
    • No nagging came when he forgot things.
    • I offered no opinion about it or correction when he messed up.
    • Also, I didn’t talk about it to anyone else – until there was something good to say 😉
  1. I let things get messed up.
    • He messed up some things.
      • Can I be real with you?
      • We had fleas from too tall grass.
      • The cars began to have trouble.
      • Dishes were not fully clean.
    • I didn’t come behind him and redo things.
    • Not once did I break Rule #1 about my mouth.
    • He saw with his own eyes what the problems were and dealt with them… And he learned.

I am in no way saying I was the only problem with our out of balance Marriage – he had a part.  But my mouth certainly caused its share of the problem.  My need to control everything really caused him to shrink back from ever wanting to get it wrong.  Our home was not a safe place for him to learn and grow as a man – as the rightful Leader of our Household.

Can I be honest with you?  I was only willing to step back because I began to see that God was the real leader of our Home.  God was leading my Husband and me.  I had to surrender to God’s headship in my life and do it His way which lead to true Hope and Joy in my life!

Are you longing for Hope and Joy in your Marriage?

God took me through a journey of re-learning how to live as a wife with a Biblical Worldview.  It is a joy for me to teach and mentor locally and I am thrilled to launch this Online Course.


In this 9 week Course we will dig into the Bible and find out how to restore our Marriage – rebuilding it to Last a lifetime!

This Marriage Course will include:

  • 10 Self-paced video lessons
    • Love
    • Forgiveness
    • Desires Vs. Preferences
    • My Mouth
    • Appreciation & Admiration
    • The Leader
    • Understanding Men
    • Respect
    • My Priorities
  • 9 weeks of personal study
    • 5 days each week that should take 10-15 minutes
  • 45 Days of Prayer prompts

Tiffany and Bud

I would love to giveaway a Seat in the Course.  Enter to Win below!

In Him,


Tiffany is a Jesus Girl with a passion to Encourage and Equip Wives and Moms through Biblical Discipleship.  Connect with her on Facebook at and Pinterest at

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Who is the leader in your marriage?

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  1. I love the point that God is the ultimate leader of the home. I think we as women can feel so prideful when we talk about submitting to our husbands. But submitting doesn’t mean we aren’t capable, it means we’re honoring God. And we do it because He knew what He was doing when He set up the roles of husband and wife! Visiting from #HeartEncouragement. 🙂

    1. kellyrbaker says:

      Yes, and honoring God is the whole point! Thanks for your visit today, Emily!

    2. It is just so important to follow God’s leadership in every area… but so easy to fall in that pride. Man you hit that right on the head!

  2. It’s so easy to make those mistakes in marriage, isn’t it? Especially early in the early years. I’d perfected the ways of doing things, too, and didn’t have a problem saying so, haha. Oh, God bless our unknowing hearts. So glad He’s a patient God. We celebrated 25 years of marriage last year, and I’m so thankful that God is faithful, because if it were left up to us alone, we’d have never made it this far! 🙂 Thanks for sharing, Tiffany and Kelly. — Happy Easter! xoxo

    1. kellyrbaker says:

      Congratulations on 25 years! Yes so thankful that God is patient and faithful. Happy Easter, friend!

  3. The all mighty mouth! What a problem I’ve had with that. Yes, I went to the school of hard knocks and finally learned a thing or two about headship and submission. Thanks for sharing candidly and transparently about a woman’s beautiful role in marriage. Your fellow linker over at Moments of Hope. Happy Easter!

  4. You did a great job being transparent about your own flaws and your contribution to the problem. And your solution was a wise one to step back, keep your mouth shut, and allow him space to learn. If more young wives would do these things, there would definitely be more marital harmony. I hope you get a lot of takers for your study.

    1. kellyrbaker says:

      I agree, Melinda. Tiffany sure has a lot of wisdom on marriage. I certainly hope people will take advantage of her course!

  5. Thank you for your transparency, Kelly. Great solutions. I can totally relate to you. Love the pictorial illustration of 1 Corinthians 11:3. 🙂

    1. kellyrbaker says:

      Tiffany is transparent like that in all her videos for the course. They are so good! Thank you for stopping by!

  6. Yep, yep and yep! I can relate! God certainly has a way of sanctifying us through our marriages though, doesn’t He?
    Great message, Tiffany!

    1. kellyrbaker says:

      Yes he does, Rachel! 😉

    2. He absolutly does. Crazy that’s not what we are told to expect in a Marraige! But it is a beautiful process.

  7. This. Your example of walking into chaos and adding to it has been me on many occasions. My desire to control has been an area God has been working and making changes. It is hard to step back, let my husband parent differently than I do, but I see him thrive there and the kids respond better to BOTH of us when we parent as God leads us to. Still a team, but within our individual gifts! Great thoughts here!

    1. kellyrbaker says:

      Yes, Elaine, within each individual’s gifts. I could relate to Tiffany’s story as well. God did not call us to be clones of our husband, but as you said, a team. Thank you for your comment!

  8. Allowing that leadership to flourish isn’t easy, is it?! Even when we desperately want it! We have to sacrifice the control and believe in the gift that will come from that surrender. Thanks for this hope-filled reminder, Tiffany! And thank you, Kelly, for sharing this with us at #MomentsofHope! It is always such a joy and blessing to have you come alongside me ♥

    1. kellyrbaker says:

      My pleasure, Lori, and so great to see you here!

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